just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Even the bartender felt bad for me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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