So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
