she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
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I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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