Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
