The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am one with the molecules
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
