I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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