Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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