Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
