oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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