yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
