I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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