Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
