Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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