He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
