Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
