The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this boner is exhausting
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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