I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Too much gin, very little bucket
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
