is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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