just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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