I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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