idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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