There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
