my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
