Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
