i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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