It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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