at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
