i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
