I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
