He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
