i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
