we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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