Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
