Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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