I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just cropdusted the office
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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