Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
