Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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