barbara walters just said penis...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
