Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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