Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
