I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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