I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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