There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
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Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
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Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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