Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
