I just cut my nipple shaving
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You have to summon your inner elephant
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
