I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
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Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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