It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
