I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
