I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
