swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
