Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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