gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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