Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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