at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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