yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
