ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
