So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
