I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
