There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
