i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
