he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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