I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
